It has been a while since I have written anything. I've been spending the past few months focusing on my finances, my school, and my work. Somewhere in the loop, I forgot to really take care of myself, my mind and my soul. I think we all get so caught up in making sure we have the essentials, that we forget to focus on the most important thing we need to be our best selves... and that is proper state of mind. I've kind of been living life like a robot who was programmed. Go to class, go to work, pay bills. Somewhere in there I lost self. I started spending more time around others and not enough time with myself. I lost sight of what I really want out of life, and despite what most people think of me the only thing I really want out of life is to just be happy.
I love shit, but shit don't make me happy. Money stopped ruling my life a long time ago. For a second I was living in one of those movie montages where you live the same day over again in the same order, doing the same tasks. It's just not something I want for myself. Routine is good for me, but too much of it can cause me to be at a stand still somewhere in a dark tunnel of depression. I've said before that if I don't snap myself out quickly I can get stuck there for months, and thats exactly what the fuck just happened to me for the past 5 months. I was just stuck in the middle of that dark tunnel and all I had to do was just keep walking because the distance to the end, to my light, was not very far.
In all of my self reflecting I've been doing, I noticed I was holding on to a lot of stuff I didn't have to. Figuratively and literally speaking. I got a new apartment, and not a moment too soon because I had about 10 days to be out of my old one before I even got a lease for a new one. When I was moving, I had so much mail and clothes and just shit everywhere. I had stuff from high school, which I can proudly say I graduated from almost 10 years ago. It was like for every box I took to the dumpster, I just felt a little better. So I just started throwing shit away until I started to feel better. By the time I was done, I pretty much had my clothes (only things I could fit and had worn in the past year), my sewing stuff and 6 pieces of furniture. 6 pieces might not seem like much, but my new place is nicer and about 1/4 the size of the two bedroom townhouse I was living in. I realized I definitely didn't need all that shit once I got into the motion of throwing it away. When I say I cleaned house, I got rid of almost everything. I packed everything I owned my whole life in what amounted to 13 boxes and whatever I didn't feel like packing, I left behind.
Now that I have settled into my new place, which is basically empty, I feel more full than I have felt in years. I had an actual night of sleep where I didn't wake up for the first time in 3 years. I also quit smoking weed sometime around the time I started packing my old apartment up. I woke up one day and just didn't want it anymore. I went to the library and checked out some books. I spent 5 minutes just enjoying the smell before I even looked at any of the titles or checked them out. I slowed down on my coffee intake, and I have 3 meals a day again. Its a strange feeling to remember what it felt like to think with a clear head. I take walks and just enjoy my presence again. A lot of the time we think we are running away from problems, but we are really just running away from ourselves. It took me a while to realize that I was just creating problems for myself, and I was the only one who could save me.
I had been spending way too much time being social. So I completely put a stop to that shit. I think outside saw me maybe a good 3 times and once time we went bowling, and I was on crutches so I didn't even have fun. It just feels good to find self again and remind myself of who I am as a person. I put an enormous amount of pressure on myself sometime because I know how talented, smart and loving I can be. I want to make all those good qualities work in my favor and be beneficially to me at all times, and when it doesn't I tend to beat myself down to the ground. People see me as this like celebrity in the making almost, at least this is what I get from their descriptions of me. But to be honest, I don't give a fuck about none of that shit. I just wanna be able to take care of myself and have a great life while using my talents in a way that doesn't make me hate them. In times when I'm feeling dark, I have to remember that there is always a light... somewhere.