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The Light At The End of the Tunnel

Today started off as such a bad day for me. I woke up with a toothache at about 5:30 AM. I ignored it because I was just that tired, but when I was awake for good it still wouldn't stop. We all know toothaches can pretty much ruin a mood and to start the day with one, I was in a bad mood before I could even get in a good one. Lately, I have been feeling as if I need a change in my life. My career life is going through a transition, my social life is going through a transition, my love life is pretty much non existent (by choice I might add) and I was even tired of how my apartment was arranged. Last week I came to the realization there was nothing in my life I really liked anymore. I don't like my job, I don't like some of the people I used to associate with anymore, I don't like how my living space was arranged... I don't like anything anymore. Maybe I never did, but I JUST started to notice.

When I'm feeling absolutely low, I like to check in with my mentor and my spiritual advisor. The first thing he always asks me is "Did you clean your house?" or "How's your living space looking since you've been feeling this way?". Today was shitty as fuck. I had a toothache, I got to work and realized I didn't have my keys, the shampoo bowl was leaking and all I could think about that would make me feel better was cleaning up the house. So I got started. Somewhere between vacuuming in between the couch cushions and cleaning the front door, I realized that I was starting to do some of the same shit I saw my mama do when I was growing up. I could never understand why she would wake us up and just make everybody clean up the house, but now I definitely get it. Hell, I even started cleaning the baseboards of my house once a week. My mama wasn't the best parent. I don't think anybody can be a perfect parent. She did the best she could and I'm understanding that more than ever, especially at this point in my life. I was looking through my very small stack of pictures I kept from my old life just for something to frame. I actually found a letter she wrote me back when we were closer. It was so simple, it had just a few choice words. I can remember the day I got that letter and I was in a similar situation I am in now. God really knows how to show you a sign when you need one, and not when you want it. I took that letter and I framed it. I think I need to look at it every day for a while. I might put it back up, but for now it needs to see the light.

Before I get sidetracked and lost in my thoughts, the cleaning seemed to take my mind off what was going on earlier in the day. There was also something I thought was important to me, that I'm not sure I really want it. At least not on the terms that are presented to me at the moment. That is a story for another day. I'm all sniffled up right now as I right this and I don't know if its all the bleach I was just using or all the dust I must've just woke up cleaning this apartment like that. I sure do feel better ending this day than when I started. I have to remember to snap myself out the darkness quick or I will surely get stuck there. I chose myself today and I'm proud of myself for that. My life has been so hard lately, and it is my natural way of being just putting on my brave face and being there for myself. I tell people all the time that for a long time, I only had myself. There was no one else, at least I felt, for years that was looking out for me. I know that in times where I feel like the world is crashing down around me, I just always need a reminder that things don't stay dark for too long. Every circumstance that I have faced that I though would break me, I have overcome. I'm so proud of the person I've become. I just have to keep in mind that there is a light somewhere even when it seems so far away.

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