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Idk Where I'm Going, But I'm Going

Updated: Mar 11, 2022

12:15 AM and I am wide awake. I spent the day in the bed and asleep. Partially because it is raining and partially because I just didn't feel like moving. I only got up to change my clothes and sheets because during the first part of my nap I sweated them out. Something that seems to happen quite a lot actually now a days. I seem to be getting little to no sleep lately. I am drowning in coursework and extra curricular activities, working a lot and just not happy anymore. Last year this is what I thought I wanted, but I'm not so sure. I kinda feel like history is repeating itself of my sophomore year, ca. 2016, and I do not like it all. It's senior year and I wanna enjoy it, but I don't want the same things I used to. I have changed a lot and I have no idea what I want anymore.

I am definitely the hardest person on myself. I put a lot of pressure on myself not to fail for even a minute because the worst thing that could happen to me is having to go back home. I feel like beginning of my twenties started off great, but the more I ran from home, the more I seemed to stay in the same place. Over the past few weeks, I went from making 3 outfits a week to barely even altering a shirt. I haven't drawn anything, and I've barely written anything other than an assignment. I want to do more with my life, but I just don't know where to start. I have so many talents that I have mastered I can't decide on one to focus on because I don't want to put the others on the back burner. I can't talk to many people about it, so I think I am going to start going back to therapy when school is back in session. I am really just gonna spend my spring break getting my life together emotionally and mentally, I am going to tackle some homework and I will be cleaning my house.

I hate getting like this because I know how talented and smart I am. I have a lot to offer the world, but I have an extreme need to succeed. My old life wasn't that great so I grew up and created me a new one. I think that when it falls apart, then I fall apart. It kinda reminds me of my old life. I have to remember that the past is the past and I should move on and let it go so that I can finally focus on the future. A future that is still very bright. 20 year old me would never believe who I am today and that is why I keep moving forward. When I feel like I am not moving forward I kinda fall into this funk and I have to snap myself out of it fast or I will end up stuck there for who knows how long. Its been about an 8 week funk and I'm fucking over it. With that being said, I don't know where I'm going, but I'm going.

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