Are We Ourselves Not Enough?

I have had my touch of relationship problems in my life, but never have I allowed the disrespect and trauma in some of the stories I hear from others. There are not many married people in my family. The ones that are aren't even that nice to each other, or they live non-traditional married lives. The things you grow up with does have an affect you, but it does not define you. If it did, I would still be in my hometown, probably having a baby with someone I went to high school with like my peers. Which is also not a bad thing, but it just isn't for me. It's not what I wanted. I grew up with a lot of trauma. Women used to have babies in my family before they could even buy their first legal drink and struggled to care for them. I watched my family mistreat each other and their significant others. I really just rarely saw any love, just people who were tolerating them because of the past time they put into each other. You know what I say to that? Fuck the past. The past is over and I refused to be unhappy in the present just because of the time we spent together in the past. I have always been very alert and I picked up on things by the age of 18 that most adults I know still have not caught on to. I am very selective of who I chose to date and have sex with. I can pretty much tell from our first few conversations if you are a right fit for me because like I said I am very alert, and I pay attention to everything.

Dating no one seems to be tricky for most. We have all dealt with our share of toxic relationships, friendships, and relationships strictly based on sex. In the end, I got to go home and get in my bed and just not be bothered and I love it. At the beginning of quarantine, I learned that people have a really hard time being alone with themselves. Is it really that bad in this day and age to not date? To spend time with yourself more than you do others. I do not date often because I am so busy, and I understand that you have to dedicate time to someone you are dating. I am currently finishing my undergraduate career. I am currently a full time college student, in my senior year, a full time hairstylist, fashion designer and pretty much everything else. I am also on organizations on campus. I am not always in my phone because I usually have my hands occupied. At the end of the day, when I when I return home I have to fight for energy just to walk my dog and start dinner. It gets annoying constantly having to tell someone "Sorry, I was doing hair." or "Sorry, I'm busy." I recently turned 25, and this is actually the first time in a while I am dating someone I actually like, and I still crave my free time. We just recently had a conversation about it and that is a mutual feeling we share.

I enjoy myself more when I am alone, then when I am with someone else. I am someone who personally just enjoys alone time. Binging shows I missed, catching up on a book I put down a while ago, and let's not even the factor in the extra time I wish I had to design clothes and focus on my businesses. I go out way less than I used to. I just enjoy myself. I am not vain or selfish. I just believe in loving yourself as much as you can before you attempt to love others. My family doesn't really understand me because I have not spent much time with them since I went off to college six, closing on seven, years ago. The reason I stay away is to be determined, but, thats another story for another day.

One thing I have never been able to put up with is mistreatment. This is why I left home at 18, and it is why I choose not to work for others. If you don't like the way someone is treating you or you have more complaints than compliments, then go be around other people, or be by yourself. The school I'm enrolled in, it is hard because everyone has their hands in each others pockets here, if you catch my drift. A fun night out usually turns into a an episode of Love and Hip Hop quickly. It's just not something I want to be around. So lately, I've just been staying to myself and only attending big events. When I do attend I show up late, on purpose just so I can miss most of it. Sometimes when I am talking to someone and the conversation turns to their relationship, I try to change the subject or I am just in my head saying to myself, "Damn, you don't have nothing else in the world. If you don't like them fuck them." I'm only saying this because I only surround myself with smart and talented individuals. People who have more to offer themselves than anyone else could. But if you know you know, and if you have tried at this point in your life, you know you can't tell nobody shit about their relationship because they are going to do what they want anyway.

Even when I talk to my mother now, she is always asking if I have someone to spend my time with. Maybe because I have never taken anyone home, and probably never will, but I do. I always tell her no. I'm not doing it out of spite or anything, I just don't understand why that is the most important thing to ask me when we talk. Is it that bad that I enjoy being alone at the young age of 25? I have never had the desire to get married or have children. That small thought you have in the back of your head that eventually grows into a want, I have never had that for marriage or children. I just remember always wanting to be able to take care of myself and not have to ask anyone for anything. I just really don't understand the logic behind it all. I am graduating soon, hopefully I'll be off to grad school. I don't work for anyone. I have a nice apartment. I have two businesses and a third on the way. I am proud of what I have and I am happy. Is that not enough? Or am I really missing out on the bigger picture?